Support for Parents Concerned About Their Teenager
If you're reading this, there's a good chance you're worried about your teenager.
Perhaps they are spending more time in their bedroom. Maybe they seem anxious, angry or withdrawn. Perhaps they tell you that everything is "fine", but your instincts are telling you something isn't quite right.
As a qualified counsellor and school counsellor, I work with young people experiencing a wide range of difficulties, including anxiety, low mood, friendship challenges, ADHD, autism, exam stress and school-related difficulties. Through my work, I regularly support young people and speak with parents who are worried about changes they have noticed in their teenager.
One of the phrases I often use is that FINE can stand for "Feelings Inside Need Expressing."
Of course, sometimes things genuinely are fine. But sometimes "fine" is the easiest answer available when a young person doesn't quite understand what they are feeling, doesn't know how to put it into words, or worries about upsetting the people around them.
As a parent, that can feel incredibly difficult. You know your child better than anyone, and when something feels different, it is natural to worry.
"School Says They're Fine"
One of the most confusing situations for parents is when school tells you that everything seems fine, but home feels very different.
You might hear that your teenager is polite, hardworking and getting on well.
Yet at home you see a young person who comes through the door exhausted. They may become angry over small things, refuse to do homework, burst into tears, shut themselves away in their bedroom, or simply seem overwhelmed.
This doesn't necessarily mean that school is missing something.
Both experiences can be true.
One parent might describe a teenager who comes home and immediately slams their bedroom door. Another might describe constant arguments over homework or emotional outbursts that seem to come from nowhere.
Yet when we look beneath the surface, there is often much more going on.
When Home Gets the Worst of It
I often work with young people who spend the entire school day holding everything together.
For some young people, particularly those with ADHD or autism, school can be exhausting. There are noisy corridors, busy classrooms, changing expectations, friendship groups to navigate, sensory challenges, academic pressures and a constant effort to fit in.
Some young people spend a huge amount of energy masking.
They may work hard to appear confident when they feel anxious. They may force themselves into social situations that feel draining. They may cope with sensory discomfort that nobody else notices. They may avoid using support available to them because they don't want to feel different from their peers.
By the time they get home, their emotional resources have been used up.
Home is often where young people feel safest. Ironically, that means home can be the place where parents see the biggest struggles.
What looks like anger may actually be exhaustion.
What looks like defiance may be overwhelm.
What looks like laziness may be a young person whose bucket is already full.
Looking Beneath the Behaviour
When parents talk about their concerns, they often describe behaviour.
The arguments.
The tears.
The refusal to do homework.
The isolation.
The anger.
I often encourage parents to think of behaviour like an iceberg.
The behaviour we can see is the tip above the surface. Beneath it might be anxiety, friendship difficulties, sensory overload, low confidence, academic pressure, worries about fitting in, or concerns about the future.
Behaviour is often a form of communication.
Rather than asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?" it can sometimes be helpful to ask, "What might this behaviour be telling me?"
What Anxiety in Teenagers Can Really Look Like
When people think about anxiety, they often picture panic attacks or constant worrying.
Sometimes anxiety does look like that.
But often it looks very different.
Anxiety can appear as:
Anger and irritability
Perfectionism
Difficulty sleeping
Changes in appetite
Becoming withdrawn
Avoiding situations
Constant reassurance-seeking
Giving up activities they usually enjoy
One thing I often notice is that fear can sit underneath anger.
A young person who appears argumentative or frustrated may actually be feeling overwhelmed, worried or uncertain.
Teenagers today face many pressures. Social media can create constant opportunities for comparison. There can be pressure to look a certain way, achieve particular grades, maintain friendships and somehow make decisions about the future at a very young age.
That's a lot for anyone to carry.
When Your Teenager Doesn't Want to Talk
Another concern I hear frequently is:
"My teenager won't talk to me anymore."
In many cases, this is a normal part of adolescence.
As young people grow, it is natural for them to spend more time with friends and become more independent from their parents. Although this can feel sad or worrying, it is often part of healthy development.
That doesn't mean connection is no longer important.
Many young people find direct conversations difficult. Often the best conversations happen when there is less pressure.
It might be during a car journey.
Walking the dog.
Cooking together.
Sharing a meal.
Sometimes they want advice.
Often they simply want someone to listen.
Even when teenagers appear to push parents away, they usually still need to know that their parents are there, that they care, and that support is available whenever they are ready.
What Can Help at Home?
Every young person is different, but some approaches that can help include:
Allowing time to decompress after school before introducing demands.
Keeping routines as predictable as possible.
Looking for opportunities to connect rather than opportunities to question.
Listening without immediately trying to solve the problem.
Being curious about what might be happening underneath difficult behaviour.
Reassuring your teenager that they are loved and supported.
One simple suggestion I often make is protecting some family time each day, even if it is only sharing a meal together.
The goal is not to force conversations.
The goal is to keep the door open.
When Might Counselling Help?
Sometimes families reach a point where things feel stuck.
Perhaps your teenager seems increasingly withdrawn.
Perhaps anxiety is affecting daily life.
Perhaps school attendance has become difficult.
Or perhaps there has simply been a change that you can't quite make sense of.
Counselling provides a safe and confidential space where young people can explore their thoughts and feelings without worrying about burdening the people they care about.
It can help them understand themselves more fully, make sense of difficult experiences and develop healthier ways of coping with challenges.
Alongside my private practice, I work as a school counsellor supporting young people with a wide range of difficulties, including anxiety, friendship issues, low mood, exam stress, ADHD, autism and school-related challenges. This experience gives me valuable insight into the pressures that many young people and families face today.
If your teenager is struggling, you can find out more about my online counselling for young people and how I work.
Get in Touch
If you're worried about your teenager, you don't have to figure everything out on your own.
Sometimes parents simply need space to make sense of the changes they're seeing and consider what might help. At other times, counselling may offer a young person a confidential space to explore their feelings and find ways to cope.
As a school counsellor and parent, I understand how difficult it can be to know what to do when your child seems to be struggling.
I offer online counselling for young people from Year 7 upwards. If you'd like to explore whether counselling might help your teenager, you're welcome to get in touch for a free 15-minute conversation.